


understanding

by Vio14



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, onesided reiner/eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 18:44:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14983274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vio14/pseuds/Vio14
Summary: Eren dreams.





	understanding

**Author's Note:**

> umm i feel like this should go unsaid when talking about reiner/eren but unhealthy relationships beware...

Almost all of the time, he feels like a loaded gun- ready to fire, as soon as something pulls back the trigger. It’s in him, underneath his skin and running through his veins; a restlessness, impossible to shake no matter how much he moves.

 _A battle high_ , Armin says, the first time Eren mentions it, a few months after Shiganshina. _We all feel it. Hard to come down when it still feels like something could happen at any time_. Over time the reasoning wears thin, a rock grinding away into dust. Mikasa and Armin come down. Eren does not.

It’s like talking to strangers, sometimes. Armin thinking that there’s some kind of peaceful resolution in their future, impossibly, if they can all just be _diplomatic_ and _negotiate_. (Despite all of the deaths only recently behind them.) Mikasa, reluctant to admit it, but trusting, letting the gaps in her armour widen. Both accepting of the outsiders in their midst, strange and foreign and still a _fucking threat_.

In those moments, when they look so naïve and earnest, Eren wants to grab them by the shoulders and shake them. _Why can’t you see it_ , he wants to say. Grisha’s memories brim close to the surface, always distantly present. _Why can’t you fucking see it?_

Instead he aims at a bullseye with a rifle, and pulls the trigger.

~

After Liberio, he looks in the mirror, water dripping over the sink and spilling between his fingers as they clench the rim, white-knuckled. His face is clean-shaved, hair pulled back.

When he was younger, _thirteenfourteenfifteen_ , he could see his mother in his features if he looked close enough: the natural part of his hair, the shape of his eyes. It’s no longer the ghost of his mother he sees, but his father.

Something in his eyes. Not fire, or passion, words he’s been identified with often enough. But something dark, pitiless and without end. Grisha had seen the same look in his reflections.

It’s not something he can put a name to.

He’s not really certain if he wants to know what it is.

He shelves the thought away in his head, where it can be forgotten.

~

In the days following the attack, when his old friends can’t look him in the eye, even Armin and Mikasa, Reiner is often on his mind.

Eren thinks of him, wide-eyed and shaking, and then on his knees, begging. The tears moments away from spilling over, and the familiarity Eren had felt as words fell broken and clumsy out of Reiner’s sobbing mouth.

 _We’re the same_ , Eren had said.

~

 

Zeke looks at him and nods, encouraging. They’re brothers, family. Zeke understands him.

Zeke has his own agenda, Eren knows. It doesn’t really matter, as long as their endgames are the same.

They’re both murderers, but it’s not the same kind of understanding he had with Reiner.

Still. Eren moves forward.

~

When they were cadets, young and foolish and fucking blind as hell to reality, the boys had sat in the barracks, once. Bragging of conquests, the girls they’d kissed and fucked.

Jean had bragged the loudest. Eren had scoffed too loud. It hadn’t been deliberate, but he’d felt a smug satisfaction when Jean had turned to him, scowling, his momentum broken.

 _What do you have to say now, Eren?_ Jean had asked. _I know how hard it is for you to keep your opinions to yourself. Out with it._

Eren shook his head. _It’s just bullshit. That’s all._

Jean’s nostrils flared. His mouth pulled back in a sneer, poison about to spill from his lips, before he paused. Smiled. _Alright, since you think my stories are so fake. What about you? Let’s hear about all the hot babes in your history, I’m sure there’s plenty._

His face had felt hot, embarrassment curdling in his gut. _That’s none of your goddamn business_ , he managed to say. _You’re full of shit, is all I’m saying._

Jean had only snorted, the battle won and victory his.

The boys continued talking. Armin shot him a sympathetic look. Eren had only been able to sit there for so long, unable to focus on his notes, before he had to stand up and leave.

It had rained that afternoon, and so when he stepped out to the porch of the barracks the humid air was like a slap to the face. Eren stood beneath a dull lamp, looking out into the black shadows of the forest. A mosquito buzzed near his ear, and he slapped it against his cheek. His skin was sticky and sweaty when he pulled his hand away.

He wasn’t really surprised when the door opened and Reiner stepped out. _Hey_ , he said to Eren, and then closed the door quietly behind him. There was a pause before he spoke. _They’re all dumbasses who are full of shit. Don’t take it personally. They’re just fucking around._

 _Who says I’m taking it personally?_   Eren snapped.

Reiner just looked at him, unimpressed. _It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know._

 _I don’t know this “it” you’re talking about_ , Eren said.

I think we both know, but alright, Reiner said. And then, _Really, it’s no rush. Things will happen when they’re meant to. You’ll find the right person._

 _Yeah, whatever_. Eren was mullish.

Reiner was trying to look serious, but the laugh he was holding back was obvious in the trembles around his mouth. Finally, he stepped next to Eren. A heavy hand fell on to his shoulder. _If you’re really impatient, I can show you._

Eren blinked. Reiner’s hand rose to his neck.

 _Uh_ , Eren croaked. Reiner’s eyes flickered over his face, the hazel hue dark. His head tipped forward, and something hot twisted inside of Eren. Could he really be-?

A breathy laugh stuttered over his cheek. Reiner pulled back, shaking his head. _I’m just fucking with you_ , he said.

Eren hadn’t known whether to be angry or disappointed, so he said nothing. Maybe Reiner was oblivious. Maybe he never noticed how Eren looked at him sometimes, how he reacted when Reiner’s hands touched him longer than Eren thought was necessary. Maybe it was all in Eren’s fucking head.

For a second, Eren thought Reiner could see the thoughts on his face. He looked uncomfortable. And then he grinned, blinding in the night. _Seriously, though, the right person will come along. Someone special who understands you like no one else. You shouldn’t do it with any random shmuck, including me._

 _You’re not a random shmuck_ , Eren wanted to say.

 _If you say so_ , he said instead.

~

Reiner follows him into his dreams.

He sits on Eren’s bed, tracing the thin linen with long fingers, once thick and blunt at seventeen but slender at twenty-one. Stubble lines his jaw, blond hair falling over his forehead. Sometimes he is naked. Sometimes there’s a button-down, too big and open over his chest, slipping down and revealing one shoulder.

There’s always guilt bitter in his mouth when he wakes up, sweating and hard. Disgust at himself, or maybe shame, if he looks deeper. During the dream, he can forget what’s happened. It’s easy to lose himself, in this reality that could never exist.

Tonight, the button-down is there. Reiner smiles at him, genuine and impossibly wide in a way that makes certain that this is just a dream. Eren has seen Reiner’s current disposition. But his imagination doesn’t care about what’s real and what’s not, and Reiner says, low and smooth as velvet, “Come on. Don’t be a stranger.”

Once, it had almost seemed like Reiner was always towering over him, broad and long-limbed. Not anymore, four years later. It’s easy to wrap an arm around Reiner’s waist, and bury his face in his revealed shoulder.

Reiner’s hands slip into his hair. Eren presses kisses into his skin, working his way to Reiner’s collarbone as he pushes the shirt down, until it hangs from Reiner’s elbows.

Reiner tugs at his hair, insistent. Eren raises his head, and Reiner kisses him.

Not long after, Reiner is underneath him. They’re both breathing hard. Reiner says nothing when Eren pushes in, his breath shaking.

Eren holds himself over him on his forearms. When Reiner looks at him, it’s the man he saw in Libero. His eyes are lost, desperate for someone. To judge, or...

“Eren,” Reiner breathes.

He sinks into Reiner’s embrace, lowering his face to the juncture between his neck and shoulder. “You’re the only person,” Eren whispers. “You’re the only one who understands.”

~

He wakes up.


End file.
